I have always been a quiet person, an introvert, I guess. I was sandwiched between two very outgoing and fun sisters. I was the “nerdy” bookworm. They were fun with loads of friends. I was smart with a few friends that I was extremely loyal to.
I was fashion challenged from the start although I didn’t know it. Oh, how I wish I could figure out how to post pictures because I have a great picture of my favorite outfit from sixth grade. It was a red and blue knicker jumpsuit complete with red and blue argyle socks. I even donned the feathered locks! In elementary school, I was blissfully unaware of my…fashion shortcomings. In Junior high, I was too naive. I can remember a few kids making fun, but I laughed along with them thinking how fun it was to joke with “friends”. In high school, I clued in a little and when I began working spent more time trying to fit in to the styles, etc. In fact, I probably thought I was quite “dapper!”
I never really felt great about myself, though. I never measured up to my own standards. I can remember crying with my mom because I wasn’t cool and popular like my sisters. I never had a boyfriend, never became a leader at school, etc. I knew my place in the high school hierarchy. I wasn’t ultra nerdy, I wasn’t popular. I was the one that 10 years later, people probably didn’t even realize was missing from the reunion.
I thrived more in college and gained some confidence, but I was a western girl in a southern school. I still didn’t fit the mold. I then married a man with some serious OCD tendencies. He is GREAT, but some things I do will never measure up. I can remember one day, early in our marriage, cleaning house. When he came home, he mentioned his parents might come for the weekend so we really needed to clean up the place. I was devastated…I just wasn’t enough.
I know I am not alone when I say, these feelings didn’t get better with motherhood. I question every decision and when my children disobey or make bad choices…it somehow becomes about my lack of ability as a parent.
I have been through Bible Studies, read books, listened to Bible teachers, etc. all of which tell me I am made in God’s image, I am His perfect product, I am not a mistake. All of that is in my head, but it is sooo hard to move that knowledge to my heart. I guess that is one reason I love blogging. There are no expectations, I can sit at the computer without makeup and 30 pounds overweight and people judge me not for my looks or fashion sense but for my words. Although I sometimes wonder what my blogging friends look like, I do not choose them based on clothes or weight or looks or finances. I am drawn to people with my values, my faith, people in a similar place in life, people I can relate to on the inside.
This is not to say I do not struggle with the same feelings of acceptance. I will never be a Boomama or a Bigmama. I will probably never be asked to be a guest/featured writer somewhere else. Heavens, I can go days without a single comment and have had days in the not so recent past when 10 readers got me excited. The funny thing is, that is not why I started blogging–it just seems to be human nature, or perhaps my nature, to want that acceptance, to want to excel, be known for SOMETHING (I mean other that being the crazy lady with 4 kids and that disheveled look on her face!).
Anyway, I say ALL that to say this. I was walking on the treadmill yesterday and listening to a very old radio program about how women struggle with self image. Beautiful women, popular women, successful women. And somehow, the message FINALLY got through to my heart. The way I see me and even the ways others see me is NOT how my God sees me. He sees me not with all my flaws but clothed in garments of righteousness because I am His. He purchased me with the highest price. When I dread going to church because I am afraid of how people will see me–he sees beauty. When I look in the mirror in disgust at a body that doesn’t seem to want to go back to its original shape, He sees not the fat but the heart. The fact is–all those people whose opinions I am so worried about probably aren’t really paying attention anyway. But I am never out of the Father’s thoughts! Should I try to take care of myself–of course. Should I strive to be healthy and a healthy weight–definitely. But I need to stop wasting time worrying about how the world sees me and spend more time just bringing glory to the Father. I will never be a beauty queen. I will never win blogger of the year. I sure won’t win mother of the year but I hope that when I start getting in the dregs of those old feelings that I am not enough, I remember that, no, I am not enough. But my God is!
